new inspiration

Sorry it's taken me so long to post this entry...

This week I've been thinking a lot about the wise words of Don Kao the director of Project Reach who led CUSP in a powerful workshop during one of our first Friday sessions here. Many aspects of that afternoon were thought provoking for me, but the thing that he said that inspired me the most was that, maybe, privileged people who who understand social injustice and want to help change society for the better shouldn't be working in victimized communities. To paraphrase Don and use the words of another Friday speaker, going to places where people are struggling because of social injustice is helping on the "back end" of the problem. And while fighting injustice as a victim is a necessary, it is much less productive for people with power to work just on countering the effects of a racist system when they have a greater possibility of changing the system.

I was momentarily offended when Don looked at me and a handful of other white people who were on the front end of a line we organized ourselves into according to socioeconomic status as part of an exercise and said "thanks, but we don't need you here." What he meant was that, as people with privilege, and therefore power, those of us at the front end of the line have a greater opportunity to to affect the thinking, actions and decisions of influential people who do the most to perpetuate injustice. The more I think about it, the more inspiring this idea has become for me. I am imagining what a powerful impact a large group of white people against racism could be, and I'm surprised I've never thought of it before because it seems so clear that what the feminist movement needs now is to enlist more men in educating men about sexism. Sexist men don't listen to women and racist whites don't listen to people of color.

A number of experiences and conversations in the last week have reinforced the idea that working with people from similarly privileged backgrounds to help them understand how we benefit from, perpetuate and contribute to an unjust world might be the most effective way for me to actually make change. One of these experiences was a trip to an Alternative to Incarceration program for boys on Tuesday to lead a workshop with DeAvery and three teens from the SAFE passages program. These boys were a tough, angry group. It shocked me how different they seemed from the prisoners I met at Green Haven. Their counselor was a white woman named Elizabeth who shared with the group as evidence for an argument she and the other facilitators and I were having with the participants about whether or not people can learn to change, that she would never have considered working with juvenile offenders when she was in high school. She was clearly frustrated with the boys' uncooperative, disagreeable attitudes, but she also obviously cared about them deeply. I, of course, saw myself in her and immediately began to wondered how well she liked her job and how she had decided to do it, but as one of our activities unraveled into a debate about whether or not you had to fight everyone who insulted you or one of your family members, I started to wonder if she or I could ever really inspire many of these boys to turn their lives around when neither of us has ever known what it's like to grow up in such a violent and threatening environment. I am still very impressed with Elizabeth for committing herself to such necessary and difficult work but I suspect that cultural barriers must make it extra difficult for her to make progress with these boys. As much as I am drawn to working with underprivileged youth, I don't think I'm the person they most need to have care about them or that I could ever be as inspirational as someone who truly understands what it's like to be a poor, young black or Latino person from a dangerous neighborhood.

This realization and remembering Don's comment have gotten me thinking back to an interesting conversation I listened to at work about a month ago which I have a half written blog entry about. A group of business people from UPS (yup, the United Parcel Service) came to the CA to learn about the state of criminal justice as part of a month long people and society staff development sabbatical, and Bob, the executive director, invited all of the CA's interns to sit in on the conversation he had with them. Bob gave them a good overview of the many projects the CA works on and the situations in society and the courts that are responsible for the state of New York's prisons and jails. He said little about racism--it was not the focus of his notes--but the second he did the all white group jumped on his remark and wouldn't let it go. They came at him with refutations, criticisms and justifications to show why racism had nothing to do with the vastly disproportionate numbers of minorities in jail and prison.

Listening from the sidelines I got so frustrated with their racist logic and ignorant views I thought my blood was going to boil. Recently, I've found myself feeling fed up with white people who don't understand white privilege and haven't examined their own prejudices fairly often. There was so much I wanted to say at the UPS meeting but couldn't. I was outraged because I've learned so much from personal experiences and sociology classes about why they're wrong, but I also understood on a certain level why they said what they said and why they felt so strongly that the white people in charge in this country were being wrongly accused. Most white people and even (or maybe especially) well educated white people have no good reason to to try to really understand racism in America or to ever ask themselves honestly about their own prejudices because it's a system that works in their favor and racism is, in many instances, so subtle that it's easy to ignore. If they are ever going to get it, though, maybe they need to hear it from people like them who can point out the racism in their own thinking. I've done a lot of work in my life to understand the experiences of people who don't look like me and put myself through the discomfort of acknowledging my own prejudices and assumptions. I continue to recognize and work to overcome my prejudices and to consider the ways that I participate in a racist, sexist, classist system, and I hope that because I have had a few epiphanies in my life about these topics and I continue to do this work with myself, I might be someone who could help others do the same. Over the past few days I've become really interested in the idea of becoming an anti-oppression educator when I grow up and aiming my workshops at wealthy white people. I don't know right now how I could convince them to take my workshops, but I'm going to consider what this kind of job might look like.

Prison Visit

I had the privilege of spending the day yesterday at Green Haven, but contrary to what the name suggests, Green Haven is not a relaxing country retreat center, it's the name of a maximum security prison an hour and a half outside of the city that houses 2,149 men 90% of whom were convicted of violent crimes. The whole day was a fascinating experience for me, and it's making me feel especially appreciative to be working at the Correctional Association this summer because it allowed me this experience. In 1846 the Correctional Association was granted the authority by the state legislature to inspect correctional facilities in New York State and publish reports of its findings. It is the only non-governmental organization in the state with this right, so having the opportunity to observe all different aspects of prison life yesterday and speak to inmates in their cells was probably a once in a life time experience for me.

Our visit started off with a meeting with the prison's superintendent and other high level staff. My role was to take notes while the two staff people from the C. A. asked the questions. I had been wondering before getting there if the prison personnel we planned to meet with would be annoyed at our presence or uncomfortable because they felt scrutinized. I learned in the first meeting that some people at the prison actually felt very angry about the CA's visits and reports. The superintendent called the most recent report put out by the CA about the facility "a bunch of horse shit," which he told us later was different from bullshit (I'm still looking for someone who can explain the difference) because of the data included in the report that showed high rates of abuse and misconduct by correction officers. Probably for the same reason, representatives from the three staff unions in the facility declined to meet with us.

The prisoners gave us a very different reception. Most of them had not heard of the Correctional Association before and did not know that our goal was to improve conditions for them, but most of them seemed very welcoming to us. Multiple times throughout the day I sat next to inmates, shook their hands and chatted with them in classes and meetings I sat in on, and I never once felt scared or intimidated. all the inmates I met were very kind and friendly. for me the best parts of the day were getting to talk with inmates at the start and end of classes and when I got to talk to them one on one through the bars of their cells to ask if they were interested in participating in our survey. Over and over again I was shocked by what thoughtful, articulate things many of them had to say about prison life and substance addiction. I was also struck by their reactions when I walked down through the housing blocks. A few of the men I talked to in their cells seemed overjoyed to find out that there were people who cared about their experiences in prison. One man teared up as he said, "you mean you want to know about us?" I was also struck by the people I talked with who appeared so broken. I'll never forget the man who told me that he knew we really worked for the department of corrections and were just trying to get him to say what he thought about prison life so we could punish him later. "No kind of lie's beneath those people" he told me.

Yesterday was probably the most important day of my summer. I recognize that I might have come away with a completely different feeling about the whole experience if I had known what the people I met had been convicted of, but it was an amazing experience for me to be able to connect with the people most hated in our society and understand them as human beings like myself. I am left with so many questions about the efficacy and ethicalness of prisons, and I hope this experience will help solidify my commitment to this work.

Daily Dilemmas

After being here for a month I am finally feeling much less affected by the noise and the crowds. At first I found the amount of sensory information so overwhelming that I fell asleep exhausted at the end of every day even when I got little exercise. The city is not so exhausting to me now, but the smells and the dirt still get to me at times. There are some foul stenches in the city and disgusting puddles in unavoidable places. It's interesting to me that despite all these people who appear so cool and polished, everyone waits together underground on sweltering subway platforms that wreak of hot trash and urine, enduring painfully loud, high-pitched screeches. Then we all huddle together inside train cars breathing in each other's body odors before ascending to the sidewalk where we step over (if we're lucky) smeared poop and and murky puddles with floating cigarette butts. It's a strange thing about one of the most "civilized" places on the world that so much filth is put up with.

I'm finding that these things are bothering me less and amusing me more though, and I'm actually learning to find some respite in city parks, but there are some tings about the city that I don't know how to get used to. Every day I come across so many people who seem completely down and out. Homeless people--who are everywhere sitting on the street--and others who may or may not be homeless who look like they need help. Yesterday I walked past a woman standing on the sidewalk in the middle of the day having a yelling match with an imaginary person. Whoever it was she was yelling at they had obviously hurt her deeply. A few weeks ago I was walking in SoHo at night with a friend from high school and we passed a man on the sidewalk in front of a park who whispered to me as Alexis was talking, "will you help me get to a bed tonight?" Last weekend Lindsey and I saw a very skinny girl wearing a bra, a tiny skirt and ripped stalkings in Greenwich Village. She must have been a prostitute and she couldn't have been more than 15.

There are hundreds more, but these people stand out in my mind because they all seemed to be in such extreme states. Over and over again throughout the day I am hit with a deep sadness in my gut when I see people who are so obviously struggling, and I feel very guilty about this, but I almost always walk by as if I have seen no one there at all. I guess I'm just not sure what I can or should do, and everyone else just keeps on walking. I still feel awful that I ignored the man who asked me to help him get to a bed. How can I consider myself a moral person when I blatantly ignored someone in a desperate situation? But truthfully, the idea of responding is still scary to me. I'm afraid of what he would have wanted from me, and I don't know what could I have offered him.

A New Goal

Today was the first day of one of the summer youth leadership programs happening at the Correctional Association. Teenagers who have already been through one of the original youth training programs that happen during the school year will be participating in one or two of four programs happening during the next eight weeks.

For the three weeks I've been working at the Correctional Association it seems like all of us in the juvenile justice project have been waiting for this week to begin. Though I've really been enjoying the chance to learn more about about advocacy work and coalition building, it is the youth leadership work that I was most interested in from the start. One of the main things I was hoping to learn more about this summer was how to inspire young people to feel knowledgeable and passionate about political issues and strong enough to make a difference. I was hoping to learn from observing my supervisors leading well planned workshops, activities and discussions and getting to practice writing some of my own. As far as I can tell there's no written curriculum for either of the two summer programs being led by one of my supervisors. And though I'm sure the kids in the programs will have a fun summer, I have to say I was a little disappointed.

It seems to me that youth programs that aim to educate and inspire are most successful when leaders are as intentional as possible in the activities they lead about the messages they send, and think carefully about their own role modeling. Admittedly, Thursday was only one day, but it would have been nice to see a little more of the mission and philosophy in action (the prison system wasn't mentioned once, their assignment was to start making a collage about the youth leadership program). One of the things I'm going to challenge myself to do this summer is to see if I can come up with a few activities that are fun and educational that I think would improve the program. Right now I feel like I have a good sense of the weaknesses of certain approaches and the strengths of others, but I don't have many good ideas for what a really solid curriculum for these summer programs might look like since I still have so much to learn about the juvenile justice system. Hopefully as the weeks go on I'll become inspired and my friends will help me think up some creative activities.

reflections from the third week

This week has been somewhat less eventful for me than the last. I spent much more of my time in the office waiting to be given tasks. Though I didn't feel I was doing much that was particularly useful during my first week, I was learning a lot through sitting in on meetings. With fewer meetings this week I had a harder time filling my days. The Correctional Association never expected to have a CUSP intern this summer and since they primarily took me on as a favor, they never thought up any projects that they wanted an intern to work on. There are, however, plenty of projects I would love to work on. I'm so impressed with all the work that they do, but it's been hard to figure out how to ask if I can get involved in projects that people are already working on without sounding like I'm suggesting that I think they're not doing it well enough. For example, I've suggested that I would love to help with developing the curricula they use in their workshops and youth leadership programs but since they've already been using these materials for a while they don't seem to think there's any need for improvement, and I don't want to sound like I think their materials need work. I want to be proactive about my learning but I also don't want to seem pushy or critical.

On Thursday DeAvery, one of my supervisors, came up with the idea of having me make a re-entry guide for kids who are leaving juvenile justice facilities and foster care homes. So far I've mostly been sifting through other resources with similar focuses, but I'm excited to have my own assignment that allows me to be somewhat creative. I'm going to try to make this project useful, well organized and attractive and focus on making it a learning experience for myself.

Even when I don't feel useful or productive at the CA, there are plenty of things that make this a valuable experience for me. One of the things I'm finding most useful is the opportunity to get an inside look at the kind of organization I think I would like to work in when I'm done with school next year. The Correctional Association impresses me because it appears to be a relaxed, healthy work environment where people maintain rich personal lives while still accomplishing an impressive amount at work. Given my past experiences with non-profits, I was surprised that the juvenile justice project didn't have tons of of work for me to do. I'm impressed by how under-control the whole office seems given that they do advocacy as well as youth leadership work and they're members of multiple coalitions. As a whole, the organization accomplishes a tremendous amount and it's run by people who are, in general, pretty young (late twenties through mid thirties). Right now I think I would love to work at the CA or some place similar when I graduate, and this seems more possible now that I know all these people who are not much older than I am who do, and also less likely because they're all so smart and knowledgeable and I don't think I'll have enough knowledge or experience to get a job doing what I want by next year.

Challenging the Faith

One of the difficulties of my first week of work at the CA has been learning about brutal conditions inmates face in jails and prisons in this state. The overwhelmingly negative stories and statistics I have been encountering have left me with lots of questions about the people responsible for creating these laws.

This morning I got to sit in on a meeting held by the New York City Board of Corrections, a group of 9 bureaucrats appointed by appointed by elected officials. Though they seem to have little personal connection to the experiences of prisoners, decisions made by the Board of Corrections have a significant effect on the lives of a large population of New Yorkers because they oversee the department of corrections, which manages Rikers Island and the other detention centers around the city. Rikers is the place where people are held before they are sentenced if they do not have the money to pay bail and others serve out short sentences of a year or less. The 2000 census reported almost 13,000 inmates at Rikers. Every description I have read of it makes it sound like hell on earth even though the majority of inmates there have not been convicted of any crime.

The meeting with the Board of Corrections concerned the board's proposed revised regulations as to the treatment of inmates by the department of corrections. Surprisingly, this year is the first time they have revised these regulations since the 1970s, but the report they released did not include a single progressive change. Each new regulation in their proposal was more draconian than the current policies.

Watching the conversation that took place between board members and various representatives of the coalition for juvenile justice was a valuable education for me about how policies get made. Sitting there in the audience it was hard to fathom the board members' stoic expressions and defensive comments in the face of overwhelmingly negative testimonies telling them just how inhumane the conditions in these jails already are. I'm fascinated right now by how people, who I have to believe are actually "good" people in other contexts--people who want to do the right thing by others, can justify such cruel decisions to themselves for apparently political reasons. I have to admit that I was shocked by the fact that despite the urging of well-researched, articulate and passionate professionals and former inmates, many of these people apparently failed to be moved (there was one important exception, however, a priest on the board seemed deeply concerned with what he was hearing--which gives me some hope for the future of Rikers Island... and humanity, I might add). As naive as it may sound, I realize how much I want to believe that people with power make the heartless decisions they do out of ignorance, and a combination of evidence and moving testimony is all that any human should need to reevaluate their policies. I am at a loss right now for how to advocate effectively for change.

My First Week

This week started off less smoothly than I would have liked. On Saturday I found out that I wouldn't be able to work at the Prison Moratorium Project after all. The director of PMP, KJ, had been very up front with me all along that the organization was struggling so I knew that there was a possibility that I wouldn't be able to intern there if another stroke of bad luck hit them, but KJ also seemed really positive about having me work there and reasonably convinced that I would have a good summer as long as I was ready to handle some uncertainty. I wasn't too surprised when I got KJ's call, but I definitely felt let down. I'd spent many months preparing to work at the Prison Moratorium Project this summer and the more I learned about their work and philosophy and the jobs I'd be doing, the more excited I got about working there. It's hard right now to let go of the experience I was anticipating having at PMP.

The good news is that KJ found another placement with one of their partners working on a similar project right away. And from what I've learned about the juvenile justice program at Correctional Association it seems like they do great work. I don't think I'll learn the same things I would have at PMP, but I'm going to do everything I can to have a great experience. There's so much I don't know about what working for Correctional Association will be like that I'm wishing today had been my first day as I expected, but perhaps it's lucky that, since I don't start until Monday, I have time this week to read up and get prepared for a different experience.